What’s Love Got to do With It Reprised

A few weeks back I wrote a column called What’s Love Got to do With It and it opened with a reference to Tina Turner’s hit song. A film was made in the early 90s about how Tina rose to stardom with her abusive husband Ike Turner, and how she gained the courage to break free.

I have several young friends on Facebook and I see a disturbing trend. I have heard several comments in the last few weeks lamenting that he always has to be right; that he or she tries and tries but can’t seem to make the other happy; that he comes home drunk or high and hits her; and what can she/he do to make him/her happy.

I know there is physical abuse in some of these situations. I know there is mental and emotional abuse in all these situations. This is my plea to those of you in any kind of abusive situation. Get out before it’s too late.

We cannot change another person to any great extent. Many of us marry thinking we’ll change those bad habits or personality traits our spouse has that annoy us. People do change – if they want to. We can encourage and support the changes we would like to see, but we can’t MAKE someone change.

These young women, and in one case a young man, have yet to learn that. But worse, they have such low self-esteem that they think they deserve to be treated badly. How many times have we heard an abused person say they deserved to be hit, they provoked the fight; or their spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend hurt them because they didn’t do what that person wanted them to do? But they can’t leave that abusive person because they loooove them.

Please, please understand my young friends, this isn’t love. Men don’t hit women. Period. Whether the abuser is male or female, hurting someone and then apologizing, saying they’ll never do it again isn’t an expression of love and remorse. It is the plea of a controller to maintain control. And believe me, this is a control issue, not a love issue.

I understand that not all relationships are perfect. There is disagreement in any marriage or long term arrangement. People argue and say things they often shouldn’t. But love has no place for physically pushing, punching or hitting. Love also has no place for verbally tearing you down over and over again, telling you you’re no good and you’re worthless.

Victims of abuse have a very difficult time leaving their abusers. There are many psychological reasons behind this and I am certainly not qualified to discuss them. But I have seen women who have come to work with broken arms and black eyes and still deny there is anything wrong. I knew one woman who steadfastly supported her abusive husband; until he killed her.

To my young Facebook friends, and anyone else out there in an abusive relationship, leave before it is too late. If you need someone to talk to and can’t afford a counselor, talk to your parents, an older friend, your social worker or a minister or priest. If you are afraid to leave for fear of being hurt, call the police or social services. If young children are involved, get help before the cycle of abuse reaches them. Love shouldn’t hurt.